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I have a friend who helps separated husbands reconnect with their wives. He has my admiration—his program helps hundreds of men and has saved countless marriages!

I am blessed with a wonderful husband of 25 years. But I always watch Randy’s videos on LinkedIn—I find that the vast majority of them are applicable to all relationships, personal and professional included. 

The one he posted recently is no exception. It’s called “The Harsh Reality of Relationships,” and it’s about fairness.

Essentially, we are taught to be fair to others. To give, to share, to be kind.

In most cases, others will reciprocate.

But, as Randy points out, “If you expect everything and everyone to be FAIR to you, you’re gonna be majorly disappointed.”

In business, we’re also taught to give (our time, energy), to share (files, information), and to be kind (polite, helpful).

As professionals, we would like our colleagues and clients to be fair, in turn.

And it doesn’t always happen.

We can get thrown under the bus. We struggle with colleagues who hold tight to information (to the detriment of the project or work being done). And we’re given the brush-off when we desperately need some help.

I can’t tell you why this happens, but it’s disappointing. However, the real trouble comes when we expect everyone to live up to our level of fairness and start resenting those who don’t. We begin to ask, “What’s in it for me?” or “Why should I waste my time?” when faced with a request for information or assistance.

Obviously, this is not the way we to live, and not the way we would want to be treated.

We can’t always avoid unfair or uncaring people at work. So how do we maintain our positive attitude and keep moving forward?

The ability to be fair despite the challenges comes from self-confidence. When we act without expecting anything in return, we grow.

That’s not to say we should let people walk all over us—confidence also includes standing up for ourselves! Acting fairly with everyone shows strength of character.

And I have always found that sticking to my principles simply because “it’s the right thing to do” pays off in the long run. 

Because at the end of the day, even if your colleagues don’t reciprocate, you’ll attain a reputation for fairness far beyond your immediate project or department.  It could be months or even years later, but someone will have noticed and want you on their team.

So keep helping out, putting in that extra effort, communicating, and staying polite and professional.

As Randy’s video subtitle proclaims, “You CAN Do This!”

I went kayaking with my mom the other day. It had been raining the past few days and we were finally able to get on the water.

The lake felt like heaven! We were so happy just to spend time paddling along, enjoying each other’s company and the beautiful day.

It was amazing to just shut it all down for a while and drift. 

We’re always told to take a break – rest, have down-time, reduce stress. And sometimes we can feel nagged to death by the well-meaning “experts” who harp on self-care. 

They’re not wrong, though. We do need to take a break. But it’s getting harder and harder to do it.

In recent years we’ve been overwhelmed by technology – we’re always connected and accessible. But these days of remote work add an additional layer of accessibility.

We no longer have commute time. However hectic the commute, it did provide critical transition time from home to work and back again.

And our homes are no longer temporary work spaces.

More than ever, there is no clear delineation between work and home. There is no simple “off switch”.

Not only can we bring our phone to the dinner table but it’s easy to walk over to the computer to send that quick email or hop on a Zoom call. We can always work just a little more. 

And it’s great that our dogs and kids are welcome in the background of our meetings these days—but that doesn’t give us a clear line between work and home.

What does this mean? It’s harder than ever to turn it all off.

Some people are better than others at compartmentalization—leaving work at work. But when the cues are gone (leaving the office or stepping through your own front door) the compartments turn into one big junk drawer.

I have three ways to manage this balance.

First, I have a morning routine that gives me that quiet time to reflect and ease into my day. (I follow Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod – it has been a huge influence on my life!)

Next, I make sure to leave the house at least once every day. Just a change of scenery, however brief. For some folks, getting out every day isn’t difficult. But I can just keep working until suddenly it’s time for bed. So for me, getting out can simply mean making a quick trip to the grocery store.

Finally, I try to spend time outside. This can be a tough one, full of those “shoulds”: I should do laundry, I should work on the presentation, I should balance my checkbook. So I schedule in my outside time just like a meeting. 

My mom and I had planned our outing to the lake a week earlier. If we didn’t nail down that date, it would have come and gone with a bunch of regrets on both our parts.

As the new week begins, I feel refreshed because I did take that break. I have my morning routine firmly in place, and I’m almost out of lettuce.

One of the fundamentals of leadership is to understand your team. You want to be able to respond issues and changes as they occur.

When you’re on a new team, this involves getting to know the individual team members (core and executive) and then paying attention to the interaction between them.

How do you do this fast? The answer is actually by slowing down.

Don’t rush to get to know everyone. You don’t need to sit down and grill each team member on their background. Instead, ask questions that will lead to discussions, not just an answer.

Take your time. Listen and observe.

Here are a few questions that will help you get started:

Likes & Dislikes

• What’s your favorite part of your job?
• Is there anything about the project/work that worries you?

Asking about someone’s likes and dislikes are helpful because they can help you in your planning process. Clara loves data and spreadsheets? Great! Now I know where to place her.

If Bart is worried about testing, I can try to give him more time, or schedule him with a testing partner. If nothing else, I can let him know I’m sorry for giving him testing to do—you’ll be surprised at the good will generated by a simple acknowledgement.

Logistics and Communication

• What are your typical working hours?
• Do you have any time off planned or any time you typically go away during the year?
• What’s the best way to communicate with you – email, IM, phone, Zoom?

These questions can help you avoid trouble down the road. Knowing Angela is an early bird and Sai works late helps you plan meetings. Carol always takes the first week in August for vacation means you avoid that week for milestones she’s involved in. And even though you may prefer a quick phone call, Jonathan may ignore the phone and not even listen to his messages.

Base Knowledge & Expectations

• Have you ever been on a project before?
• What do you expect to happen on this project?
• Is there anything you’re expecting from me?

You may know a person’s position or department. But how long have they been doing it? Maybe they have skills outside their current role that can be a project game-changer.

Too often, my team members have never been on a project before and I need to start with Projects 101. Some have even told me they’ve been on projects but not “real” ones with an actual Project Manager. Flushing out this information is key – you don’t want to assume they understand what Scope Freeze is, or why missing due dates now will impact Go Live in 8 months.

Personal Questions

I need to make a note about personal questions (e.g. “Do you have any school-aged kids?”). These are a slippery slope so they’re not something I ask. But typically, as the team gets closer and trust grows, most people are forthcoming with what’s going on at home. At the end of the day, knowing that someone has “daycare pickup duty” or struggles during school vacation weeks is helpful for scheduling. And let’s face it, we want to work with real people, not impersonal resources.

Interaction

While you get to know the individuals on your team, keep your eyes and ears open to how they interact. Is there mutual respect? Is there one person who dominates all conversation? Is everyone cautious in a meeting, or do they dig into issues? It won’t take long to understand that Joyce is well respected, or that Barry’s instincts are usually on target.

A well-functioning team begins with the individual members. Learn about them. Not only will the team respond better to your leadership, but the path to a successful project will be smoother.