Effective Leadership

I have a friend who helps separated husbands reconnect with their wives. He has my admiration—his program helps hundreds of men and has saved countless marriages!

I am blessed with a wonderful husband of 25 years. But I always watch Randy’s videos on LinkedIn—I find that the vast majority of them are applicable to all relationships, personal and professional included. 

The one he posted recently is no exception. It’s called “The Harsh Reality of Relationships,” and it’s about fairness.

Essentially, we are taught to be fair to others. To give, to share, to be kind.

In most cases, others will reciprocate.

But, as Randy points out, “If you expect everything and everyone to be FAIR to you, you’re gonna be majorly disappointed.”

In business, we’re also taught to give (our time, energy), to share (files, information), and to be kind (polite, helpful).

As professionals, we would like our colleagues and clients to be fair, in turn.

And it doesn’t always happen.

We can get thrown under the bus. We struggle with colleagues who hold tight to information (to the detriment of the project or work being done). And we’re given the brush-off when we desperately need some help.

I can’t tell you why this happens, but it’s disappointing. However, the real trouble comes when we expect everyone to live up to our level of fairness and start resenting those who don’t. We begin to ask, “What’s in it for me?” or “Why should I waste my time?” when faced with a request for information or assistance.

Obviously, this is not the way we to live, and not the way we would want to be treated.

We can’t always avoid unfair or uncaring people at work. So how do we maintain our positive attitude and keep moving forward?

The ability to be fair despite the challenges comes from self-confidence. When we act without expecting anything in return, we grow.

That’s not to say we should let people walk all over us—confidence also includes standing up for ourselves! Acting fairly with everyone shows strength of character.

And I have always found that sticking to my principles simply because “it’s the right thing to do” pays off in the long run. 

Because at the end of the day, even if your colleagues don’t reciprocate, you’ll attain a reputation for fairness far beyond your immediate project or department.  It could be months or even years later, but someone will have noticed and want you on their team.

So keep helping out, putting in that extra effort, communicating, and staying polite and professional.

As Randy’s video subtitle proclaims, “You CAN Do This!”

I went kayaking with my mom the other day. It had been raining the past few days and we were finally able to get on the water.

The lake felt like heaven! We were so happy just to spend time paddling along, enjoying each other’s company and the beautiful day.

It was amazing to just shut it all down for a while and drift. 

We’re always told to take a break – rest, have down-time, reduce stress. And sometimes we can feel nagged to death by the well-meaning “experts” who harp on self-care. 

They’re not wrong, though. We do need to take a break. But it’s getting harder and harder to do it.

In recent years we’ve been overwhelmed by technology – we’re always connected and accessible. But these days of remote work add an additional layer of accessibility.

We no longer have commute time. However hectic the commute, it did provide critical transition time from home to work and back again.

And our homes are no longer temporary work spaces.

More than ever, there is no clear delineation between work and home. There is no simple “off switch”.

Not only can we bring our phone to the dinner table but it’s easy to walk over to the computer to send that quick email or hop on a Zoom call. We can always work just a little more. 

And it’s great that our dogs and kids are welcome in the background of our meetings these days—but that doesn’t give us a clear line between work and home.

What does this mean? It’s harder than ever to turn it all off.

Some people are better than others at compartmentalization—leaving work at work. But when the cues are gone (leaving the office or stepping through your own front door) the compartments turn into one big junk drawer.

I have three ways to manage this balance.

First, I have a morning routine that gives me that quiet time to reflect and ease into my day. (I follow Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod – it has been a huge influence on my life!)

Next, I make sure to leave the house at least once every day. Just a change of scenery, however brief. For some folks, getting out every day isn’t difficult. But I can just keep working until suddenly it’s time for bed. So for me, getting out can simply mean making a quick trip to the grocery store.

Finally, I try to spend time outside. This can be a tough one, full of those “shoulds”: I should do laundry, I should work on the presentation, I should balance my checkbook. So I schedule in my outside time just like a meeting. 

My mom and I had planned our outing to the lake a week earlier. If we didn’t nail down that date, it would have come and gone with a bunch of regrets on both our parts.

As the new week begins, I feel refreshed because I did take that break. I have my morning routine firmly in place, and I’m almost out of lettuce.

One of the fundamentals of leadership is to understand your team. You want to be able to respond issues and changes as they occur.

When you’re on a new team, this involves getting to know the individual team members (core and executive) and then paying attention to the interaction between them.

How do you do this fast? The answer is actually by slowing down.

Don’t rush to get to know everyone. You don’t need to sit down and grill each team member on their background. Instead, ask questions that will lead to discussions, not just an answer.

Take your time. Listen and observe.

Here are a few questions that will help you get started:

Likes & Dislikes

• What’s your favorite part of your job?
• Is there anything about the project/work that worries you?

Asking about someone’s likes and dislikes are helpful because they can help you in your planning process. Clara loves data and spreadsheets? Great! Now I know where to place her.

If Bart is worried about testing, I can try to give him more time, or schedule him with a testing partner. If nothing else, I can let him know I’m sorry for giving him testing to do—you’ll be surprised at the good will generated by a simple acknowledgement.

Logistics and Communication

• What are your typical working hours?
• Do you have any time off planned or any time you typically go away during the year?
• What’s the best way to communicate with you – email, IM, phone, Zoom?

These questions can help you avoid trouble down the road. Knowing Angela is an early bird and Sai works late helps you plan meetings. Carol always takes the first week in August for vacation means you avoid that week for milestones she’s involved in. And even though you may prefer a quick phone call, Jonathan may ignore the phone and not even listen to his messages.

Base Knowledge & Expectations

• Have you ever been on a project before?
• What do you expect to happen on this project?
• Is there anything you’re expecting from me?

You may know a person’s position or department. But how long have they been doing it? Maybe they have skills outside their current role that can be a project game-changer.

Too often, my team members have never been on a project before and I need to start with Projects 101. Some have even told me they’ve been on projects but not “real” ones with an actual Project Manager. Flushing out this information is key – you don’t want to assume they understand what Scope Freeze is, or why missing due dates now will impact Go Live in 8 months.

Personal Questions

I need to make a note about personal questions (e.g. “Do you have any school-aged kids?”). These are a slippery slope so they’re not something I ask. But typically, as the team gets closer and trust grows, most people are forthcoming with what’s going on at home. At the end of the day, knowing that someone has “daycare pickup duty” or struggles during school vacation weeks is helpful for scheduling. And let’s face it, we want to work with real people, not impersonal resources.

Interaction

While you get to know the individuals on your team, keep your eyes and ears open to how they interact. Is there mutual respect? Is there one person who dominates all conversation? Is everyone cautious in a meeting, or do they dig into issues? It won’t take long to understand that Joyce is well respected, or that Barry’s instincts are usually on target.

A well-functioning team begins with the individual members. Learn about them. Not only will the team respond better to your leadership, but the path to a successful project will be smoother.

A while back, on day 2 of a project with an important client, I met the division’s president. After a bit of small talk, he got down to business. He said, “I hate Project Managers.”

Okaaaaay….

It turns out that his experience with PMs was limited to two types:

First, high priced consultants who talked a good game but didn’t actually complete anything. Second, department personnel who were given a “growth opportunity” and expected to successfully manage a project with no training.

Obviously, as an experienced and credentialed Project Manager, I was able to turn around his opinion.

But he’s not the only one who has an aversion to the profession. I meet many PMO Directors and recruiters hungry for PMs who do more than check boxes and bark orders. They are looking for true project leaders.

So what’s the difference between managing and leading? Basically:

Someone who manages a project will focus on the “what.” That is, what needs to be done: what metrics, what dates, what requirements, what resources, etc. And all of this is perfectly legitimate. We need the “what”!

A leader focuses on the “how.” How are we going to get from milestone to milestone? How will the team react to a change? How does this requirement impact the others? How should we handle this new information?

So why aren’t more managers leading?

There are a million different reasons. Sometimes it’s easier to keep your head down and tell people what to do. If there’s no relationship, there’s no vulnerability. Sometimes a PM is untrained. They know they’re not doing a great job but don’t know what to do about it. And sometimes a manager truly believes their team members should just do what they’re told and executives should just accept whatever you tell them and stay out of the project!

How do you tell that you’re managing instead of just leading?

You pay attention and you ask.

Think about your last team meeting. Did you ask for suggestions, opinions, or if there was anything else the team needed to discuss? What about your last executive meeting—was it just a status update, or did you give them the forum to have meaningful discussions that could help remove barriers for your project?

If the answer is no, or “not really,” then you have the opportunity to ask them. Starting today. Next meeting, end each topic with “Is there anything else we need to know?” or “Is there anything we should be concerned about?”

The risk of management without leadership comes down to the fact that no matter what project we’re on, we are dealing with:

• People. Human beings react to the way they’re being treated. For example, no one likes to be left completely out of the planning process and simply told what to do and when, especially when it pertains to their area of expertise. And each person reacts differently.
• Organizations. There is more going on in the company than just your project. New products are being developed, documentation updated, and budgets reviewed. Every decision in one area ripples to others. Maybe you can’t use Joe in the lab because Cynthia retired and he’s got to fill in while they hire someone new.

Make sure you’re considering the impact of each detail you hear during the meeting. If someone’s child is heading off to college, that may affect a milestone date, either because they need to take time off to help them move in or because they’re going to be busy and distracted for a while.

Management with leadership: it helps your outcomes and turns your team—and executives—into PM fans.

There’s a I use when talking about leadership style: “leading from your core.”

We’ve all heard the word “core”: core strengths, apple core, core functionality, etc.

The word “core” was first used in the early 14th century and means “heart or innermost part of anything.” Whether it has French (“coeur”) or Latin (“cor”) roots, it means “heart.” (Yes, I’m an etymology geek—I looked it up.)

I use the phrase “leading from your core” to mean understanding who you are as a leader: your style, strengths, hot buttons, goals…and then leaning into it.

Often, we see someone else having success and wonder if their way is better. Or we learn about a new approach and want to try it out.

There is nothing wrong with exploring other options in your leadership approach.

However, when we move forward without holding it up to a mirror first, we’re taking a big risk it will backfire.

Here’s an example. I worked with a manager years ago who was everybody’s friend. Jim had a quick wit and made jokes all the time. His style was very casual. Nothing was a “big deal” to him.

My style is calm, a bit more serious, and friendly. I can’t tell a joke to save my life!

What if I was looking for a better relationship with my team and tried to imitate Jim’s style?

If I came into the office and started joking around with everyone, what would happen? Things would become awkward very quickly and I’d lose the trust I’d built up with my team.

The truth is, you can’t fake who you are. Even if you’re meeting someone for the first time, subconsciously they can tell something is “off.” You won’t be able to build that trusting relationship you need to succeed as a leader.

But there is good news: all leadership styles can work, and work well!

The key is consistency.

It’s stressful when we walk into someone’s office and don’t know “who” it is we’re going to find. We can’t mentally prepare. When we can’t anticipate, we automatically become on guard.

So, as a leader, if I’m consistently calm and friendly, then my team learns this is normal for me and can relax because they know what to expect in any given interaction.

Finally, if I’m consistent, it doesn’t matter if my team member’s style doesn’t mesh with mine. Because if we know what to expect from someone, we can prepare the best approach for a good encounter.

And it’s much easier to be yourself than someone else, don’t you think?